Monday, January 27, 2014

My heart just hurts today.

Hey y'all. So This blog fell off the face of the planet. SORRY 'BOUT THAT!!!!! Really I am. 99% of the people in our circle get info about us via facebook, text, instagram, or twitter. But recently, I have felt the calling to start writing again. If for no other reason than to be a therapy for me. A place to get out my thoughts and feelings, a place to hold me accountable for the things I say I am going to do, a place where I can share the people and things I love. I know very few people see this, and I have zero intention of ever hosting ads on my page (unless its for Wounded Warrior Project or other organizations helping veterans) but regardless, I would like to see this blog grow.

A few weeks ago I started reading a blog called A Slob Comes Clean , and totally fell for her style of blogging. She just put herself out there. She used her blog as a way to communicate to herself, not just others. And in the process, she found a community of people who had the same issues she did, who felt the same, who wanted to do the same things are her, and wanted to support her.  She has inspired me to work harder as a wife, as a mom, and as a friend. To grow, both spiritually and in my actions.

Today especially, my heart hurts. It seems like the last few weeks has been more bad news after more bad news. Majority of it does not affect my family directly, but some does. Its the shootings at malls and schools, the orphans and widows in Syria, the drugs found too close to home, the girls being trafficked through my very own city, friends whose marriages are ending, an aunt, friend, and child battling cancer, the anxiety of bills that need to be paid, soldiers who aren't coming home, people out in the bitter cold with no place to go... the list just keeps growing. And my heart is heavy with it all.

 And yet, it fuels me. I want to pray over and be there for the friend who doesn't know what will happen to her marriage. I want to send a card to the wives who are burying their husbands and tell them how much I love them and how so very sorry I am for their loss. I want to teach my kids how to be good friends that lift up their peers so that no one in their life every feels the need to bring a gun to school. I want to trust God that the provision to pay the bills will be there. I want to volunteer my time to help end human trafficking. I want to visit the kid in prison and tell him its going to be ok, there is hope. Hope in a savior who loves us and is always faithful. I want to feed, clothe, strengthen, and empower the homeless vet with no place to call his own.

And mostly, I want to be a better wife and mom. 

Not perfect. Please notice I didn't say PERFECT, but better.

There are places I am lacking. there are areas in my life that I am straight up failing at. And that hurts. And I want to do better. I'm not sure how though. I know that I need to just trust that God has a bigger plan. Sometimes that's easier said than done. The only thing I can do is just keep moving forward. One very small step at a time.This week that means putting a big focus on my family and those closest to me. Putting a focus on building up my husband, and my marriage. Striving to seek out the best in my kids and not just telling them what they are doing wrong.

I know that I will fail this week. 

I know it will not be easy to put aside the fear and hurt. 

I know that no matter what, I must keep moving forward.

I must keep praying and seeking God. Striving to bring Him praise and glory. 

I must. 

Then maybe, just maybe, my heart won't hurt so much.

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So after posting this, I saw tonight's blog post from IF:Gathering. HELLO GOD SPEAKING STRAIGHT TO MY HEART! Thank you God for giving me an outlet. I pray I will use it more and that it will help more than just my own heart. 

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