Friday, May 8, 2015

Not sure where to start...

 We are coming up on our third summer in KC.

When this summer is over, it will have been 4 years since that one phone call.

Four years.

So much has happened. We have changed, grown really, so very much. I cant even begin to wrap my head around 4 years. I remember being just a few months out from his injury and telling my bestie that I couldn't wait to get to this point. To have some distance between us and that day. That I just knew time would heal us. In so many ways, it has. There has been physical healing for sure, and that has been so amazing to witness. But the emotional healing...

  I can still see my reflection in the mirror as my hand covered my mouth and I began to collapse in the entrance to our house when I got the news. I can still feel the tear that ran down my cheek as I walked to his room for the first time in Germany. I can still hear the sadness and fear in his friends voices as they called to check on his status. I still see him lying there, so helpless, yet so strong, determined to regain his strength...regain his life.

I think its why the thought of continuing this blog has felt like such a burden at times. It held a constant reminder of everything we lost that day. We gained so much. So very much. We have been immensely blessed by God through every step of this journey. I thank Him every single day for the gift of my husbands life. This blog though was started as a way to keep everyone informed of his progress. It carries with it all of the memories of the events of September and October 2011. It stings a little every time I try to log on here to write. Like a small piece of my heart is still so shattered, that it punctures all the places that I thought began to heal.

I tried after If:Gathering last year. I tried to write and post and share and make it feel more like a regular blog. After all, I really enjoy blogging. I love writing. I love sharing my heart, and God's truths. I adore getting to have a place that I can say what I want, this little corner that is all my own. To have a "job" to work at. I enjoy working on projects and having a place to share my Pinterest wannabe life.

Im not sure I can here though. I couldnt ever feel right about having ads on this page. I dont ever want to use his story as a means of getting more traffic to my page. I dont want to make money off of our pain. And yet, I want to blog. I want to have a platform to share my heart, a place where others can share their stories, a place where pinterest can meet real life can meet God's truths. And if its not here, then where?

Im still not sure about that answer yet, but when I do know, I promise to share it. Until then, I will be praying. 

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